Alright, so you've been dating this guy for quite some time and you're at a point where accepting his bullshit, occasional verbal abuse and frequent "cheating" scenarios (but never actually catching him in the act) is part of the norm. You're trying your hardest to be that "Ride or Die", "Stand by Your Man" type of girlfriend but you're beginning to realize that you are over extending yourself, with no reciprocity and drastically diminishing levels of self respect. After a few attempts to confront the issue with your man, he either brushes the subject matter of his shoulder, or makes you feel like you're the one with the problem. In fact, he sometimes manages to make you feel like a complete low-life after he's done giving you a piece of his mind; so low that you don't feel like you deserve anyone better, so low that you are no longer certain of just how great you once were and will continue to be. Why is that?
(I'm no psychology major or anything like that, so don't expect me to give you the ultimate break-down tracing the issues all the way to childhood, etc. I'm just sharing my point of view on the matter.)
Personally, I've always been the insecure, self-conscious, self-doubting girl and to this day I feel like I may never escape that mind frame. So when there is an attractive man, or a man that is interested in me I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of nervousness and intimidation and I don't feel like I'm worthy to be with him. Ladies, this type of low self-esteem is extremely dangerous when going out into the dating world. Please note that men are natural born predators (or at least the ones I've come in contact with) some will enjoy a chase others will prey upon the weak-minded. Am I stating the obvious here? Anyway, due to the undeniable absence of self-awareness, I subjected myself [willingly] to a toxic relationship and remained there not only because I confused my character flaws with acts of devotion but I wasn't knowledgeable of the possibility of finding true happiness elsewhere.
Not once have I questioned what it was that gave him the right to talk to me in such a way, because I was so busy accepting the blame and sometimes apologizing for upsetting him. At times, I allowed him to call me names, and swear at me because I wanted to figured out ways to make situation better; even if the problem didn't come from anything that I've done wrong. I always wanted to please him, because I felt that it was my duty as a "Good Woman". But not ever was I good enough for him... It was a challenge, a battle with myself, in a sense, to beat my own high score. But often the essence of failure became even more enveloping when I found that there were other women that had his attention, and his affection.
He gave me every excuse from the possibly believable ones to the outrageously ridiculous ones, and I soaked up every last drop because I was afraid of losing him... I was afraid of being alone. (this was well before I realized that I'd much rather be alone) So here I am. Now facing a new chapter in my life, with a child and facing new challenges... I'm not sure why I gave away all of my power to a point where I no longer know which way to turn. But I now seek guidance, wisdom, strength and courage from God, because I know HE will help pull me out of this... Let the journey begin... And stay tuned...
