Swine Flu (H1N1)

So, I go to the doctor yesterday because I feel like utter crap; pounding headaches, sore skin, muscle tension, fever, chills... Turns out the my physician is positive that I have the Swine Flu. He said that he didn't want to bother testing me because not only did he know that my results would come back positive, but I would also have to wait about 3 to 4 weeks for results he was already confident about. So here I am... sick, and quarantined. Confined to my bedroom, kept away from my daughter who is the one reason (aside from GOD) that I wake up every morning.

It is beyond difficult to hear her laugh, and try to sing along with Elmo and Dora on the television, and not be there to sing along with her. As dramatic as this may sound, I feel like a ghost, watching over her. Just a few moments ago, before deciding to write this entry, I watched her sit next to my mother in front of the TV watching Dora the Explorer dipping her pudgy little hand in the bag of potato chips. She's so happy, and content as she should be. I was relieved that she's alright and continuing on with being her usual vibrant, curious, and loud little self. I hear the way she's interacting with her aunt and grandparents, "No! " "Don't touch that!" Walk, don't run!" and the sassy little response from Phoenix that follows. I can't help but smile and laugh to myself has I'm locked away in my bedroom. (sigh)

But I also found myself feeling saddened, because I began to imagine what it would be like if I passed away while Phoenix was still very young... She wouldn't even remember me. And I really do regret not taking enough pictures of her and I together. At the present moment, she doesn't really have much to look at of us when she gets older. (that picture was taken 12/24/2008 - the last decent picture of us together) I also began feeling like a complete failure because I'm still not where I want to be financially, so that if ever anything were to happen to me, I would leave her with nothing but debt. Phoenix deserves so much more... No matter how hard I feel like I'm working towards it, I always end up feeling like I've done nothing at all...

I know that I'm going to get better, very soon as a matter of fact. It's in my spirit to be strong. In fact, I have so much strength that I've passed it on my baby girl. She's one tough cookie! In all actually we feed off of each other's strength, we don't make much sense without one another. I guess feeling like a ghost and temporarily watching my daughter from a distance, is helping me put things into focus and helping my sort out what things I need to tackle next... God Willing...